My trip with breast cancer

It's been too long

2006-11-22T16:58:00.000-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving! I am two weeks post op on my DIEP at Beth Israel and Everything is going fabulously! I was able to move the surgery up and so, I did it. This is not an easy surgery for either surgical staff or patient. I went in on November 8 really excited to get this reconstruction thing started so that I may be near perfect for summer 2007. I met with both my surgeon and his fellow as well as all the other people who are involved and they all made me feel so fabulous. Dr. Lee said it would be a seven to nine hour surgery. They started at 9:45am during which time Doug paced the floors and walked around the Longwood section of Boston for a while. When he received a call at 5:0opm, he jumped a bit but they were telling him that I was out of surgery in the recovery room already! I of course was on another planet. I had very bad nausea but they shot something into my IV and that passed quickly. Doug came to say hello and goodbye as he had to get back to the kids. My new breast was the size of a watermelon and they had to check the blood flow every ten minutes for the first few hours. It eventually went down to every 1/3 hour but, besides being able to have a TV brought in and watching Dancing with the Stars, I had a very sleepless night.

I will write more details but the bottom line is, I was cut in half, harvested of fat and blood vessels that were transplanted into my chest. It really is a miracle. But I can't imagine anyone choosing to get a tummy tuck or breast augmentation unless it was medically necessary.

More to come after Thanksgiving!

Much Love.

Away for So Long

2006-08-23T17:16:00.000-05:00

Hey, sorry I haven't posted in a while. I tried to take the rest of the summer off but to no avail. My radiation grime is gone. The break worked really well. Have applied to be in the SOFT trial but don't know if I have even been randomized yet. Will know more tomorrow. This summer, though very hard, has been pretty ok. Still haven't sold the house. But I think I got us a renter from Florida. Again, more tomorrow.

So, I will write more tomorrow!

My Radiation

2006-06-22T14:44:00.000-05:00

Right now I have been changed to the other type of radiation called the boost. My underarm was starting to weep and the lower part of the field was starting to split as well. So, this is for six times and takes about 30 seconds. The only radiate the scar from the surgery. It is a stronger does having to do with something that I can't remember. However, I will be finished on Wednesday of next week, then I have vacation, then I come back to five more of the full field radiation. We are hoping that I will heal with this.

Going to the Cape this weekend for the bio-mom family reunion as well as to finally see Doug's parents. A little down time will be great so I don't mind that it is supposed to be cool.

Love

2006-06-22T14:15:00.000-05:00

Thank you all so much for such a generous and thoughtful gift! I love llamas and I love the fact that people in need will be reaping their benefits! I couldn't have asked for anything more full of love.

2006-06-22T14:09:00.000-05:00

To: Kimberly O'Flaherty
From: All of us

A gift of 17 Llama "shares" has been given
in honor of your strength, courage and absolute beauty.
Some friends from our Bard days have gathered together to purchase in your name "shares" of Llamas which are donated to people who need them. It is a gift which is renewed again & again when the recipients share with their neighbors all that the Llamas produce. You love Llamas and we love you! Along with all our thoughts & strength vibes we honor you with 17 shares. (which equals 2 whole Llamas and 2 shares of a 3rd) With love from---- Karin Eckert & Matt Ames, Scarlett & David Newhoff, Clare Blackmer & Brien Lang, Christopher Pennington, Cormac Flynn & Dorothy Cummings, Christopher Marino, Sandra Aistars, Peter Criswell, Chad Kleitsch, Paula McGonagle
Heifer International is a nonprofit that alleviates hunger, poverty, and environmental degradation through gifts of food and income producing farm animals and training. These animals provide a source of protein, such as eggs and milk, for children and generate income for families through the sale of animal products. Since 1944 Heifer has helped over 4 million families in 125 countries become self-reliant. Each family "passes on the gift" by giving one or more of its animal's offspring to another family in need.
To learn more about the gift you've been given, visit http://catalog.heifer.org/gifts/.

Burn

2006-06-12T10:39:00.000-05:00

Well, my skin under my arm has "separated" (the official term). As far as I am concerned, it has split. The have changed the location of the and size of the "bolis" - the skin-like pad that they lay over me to make the radiation come closer to the top of the skin - so it no longer includes my underarm. Dr. Girsh is a little bit worried that I will have to take some time off. For me, it's no biggie as long as I am off for the first week in July and she said that is already set in stone. I have to get as much air under my arm as possible. This means sitting with my arm stretch over my head actually opening the split in order for it to get as much air as possible. I also have to use the Silvadene cream three times a day. So, it really is a good thing that I am taking this summer off from work. I will set up a lounge chair outside in the shade so that I can read while "airing out". It really looks more painful than I can feel since it is still somewhat numb under there but, as I said to Doug, I have learned that every day has pain in some sense during this time. You just get used to it. Sometimes, I still feel as though I am living in a dream or nightmare and that when I wake up, I will be me again. Right now, I have to look forward to next summer when I will once again have symmetry, cleavage, and red hair, dammit!

Reconstruction Options, etc

2006-06-10T13:04:00.001-05:00

I met with Dr. Bernie Lee at Beth Israel yesterday. He is the second plastic surgeon I have met with (the other being at Lahey). I have an appointment next week to meet with another surgeon from Beth Israel. Both of these do the DIEP type of reconstruction. I thought I would post the different options for reconstruction and some of the positives and negatives for each.

The first is a breast implant. Because of my radiation and positive nodes at he beginning, this is not a very good option. Plus, the implants never look like the other breast and since I don't want to touch the other one right now, it is out.

The second is Tram Flap which uses your own tissue. A large portion of muscle, some fat and skin are all tunneled underneath your chest and the beast is made at the location. No blood supplies are cut but there is a full lose of that one side of your "six-pack" muscles. The other side of the muscle can come back to 110% but most people will have muscle weakness, some back pain from the loss of stomach muscle, etc. This is the most popular method since, it is a relatively easy and short surgery. I wanted more options.

The Free Flap is like above but the muscle, tissue and skin are actually cut out and then replaced at the site of the breast. However, there is still a small portion of the muscle excised completely and it does still effect movement and strength as above. The reason muscle is still taken is the fact that it holds the blood supply to be reconnected at the breast site. Again, easier to harvest muscle with the blood supply already in it.

There is also a method using muscle from your back again tunneling beneath the skin to the front. Since my right arm has already been compromised from the removal of the nodes, this is certainly not my first choice. And then there is the butt one! Like a free flap but using your butt! Again, not the first choice.

The procedure that I have sought out is called DIEP. This procedure using our stomach area fat and tissue, and harvests a blood supply from the muscles but the muscles are never cut "across the grain" nor removed. The muscle is separated with the grain to get the blood supply and then everything is transplanted to the breast and reconnected to one of three main veins in the area (under-arm, mid-line chest, or in between). Because there is no muscle cut, the recovery in both the long and short run is much easier and shorter. The surgery itself is longer because of the use of micro-surgery both when extracting the tiny arteries from he muscle as well as reconnecting them. Instead of 4 - 5 hours from Tram flap, I am looking at 5 - 9 hours of surgery. I would be kept in the recovery room for 24 hours in order to monitor the blood flow at the newly connected site. The percentage of there being a problem is very small. If there were a problem within those 24 hours, I would be brought back to surgery and the problem would be resolved. Most are a tiny kink in the artery or something like that.

There is another part of this surgery that could be done as well. In 15% of the cases, there is an exposed small artery above the muscle. In that case, that one is used and there is no touching the muscle at all!

Either way, I am looking at a fabulous tummy tuck, a very natural breast, a much shorter recovery, and much fewer side effects. I would spend up to 7 days in the hospital. I would have to return in about a month for "shaping" because it is very important for my surgeon that I have the best possible match. There is alot of other information on this at www.bostondiep.com. Please have a look.

So, as of now, I have a surgery date in Boston at Beth Israel on February 7, 2007. I am not sure whether I am going to bother meeting with the other surgeon next week because I really loved Dr. Lee. His enthusiasm, his knowledge and training, his constant contact with the other few surgeons who do this, as well as his general nice-ness has really got me excited for the procedure and what I will look like afterward!

As for my status right now, I am a very burned little chickie. Especially under my arm. I have been changed over to 1% hydrocortisone and will probably be given an even stronger prescription called Silvadene for the remainder. Wearing a bra is many times quite painful so I only do it when I need to. I have really no problems with my lopsided look when just around my family and my radiation buddies. My two therapists Frank and Chris are always looking out for me and they were concerned about my burns yesterday. It is neat seeing two people every day and we have got to know each other pretty well. Chris is actually one year older than me and from Amherst so we have lots to talk about. He actually just adopted a dog from the same place we adopt: Nevins Farm MSPCA. I am so looking forward to seeing a picture on Monday.

Also, we had a brokers' open house on Thursday and had 21 agents come! I know it is because they had lunch there! Anyways, another open house tomorrow so I am really hopeful that between 21 brokers, we will have an offer soon.

2006-05-31T16:09:00.000-05:00

This is a recent picture taken by Julianna. I even have my fake boob on! Can you tell which one it is?

Radiation

2006-05-31T11:12:00.000-05:00

I had my ninth radiation treatment today. I have started to get a little sunburned but nothing too overwhelming. I have hit a down patch right now. I am finding it very hard to look at myself and see much of what was me left. I have always been a redhead and now I am not. They say that once the cells are fully restored that my hair should come in red again but now it can't decide whether it is blond or brown. My pubic hair is definitely brown, dammit!I can't wear my tank tops as I used to in the hot weather without the worry of my boob falling over the top when I lean forward. the bra's that the boob fits into with a pocket are big and bulky and although they work in a t-shirt, anything with straps thinner than two inches doesn't work. Oh yes, everyone is showing their bra straps now but it isn't the same!

I guess that is enough ranting for now. It still sucks though! Thanks for all the comments about the pictures.

2006-05-16T16:16:00.000-05:00

2006-05-16T16:15:00.000-05:00

2006-05-16T16:14:00.000-05:00

2006-05-16T16:13:00.000-05:00

Radiation

2006-05-16T15:47:00.000-05:00

Well, I got my tattoos for my radiation therapy which will start on Thursday. I have been advised vigorously by everyone I have talked to that this is the best way to be as sure as possible that there will not be a local recurrence. Dr. Girsh wants me to wait six months before my reconstruction - as I expected. I meet with the Lahey reconstrutor on Thursday and then the ones at Brigham and Women's in June. We'll See. At least Dr. Girsh said that even if I am not finished, she is giving me the first week of July off to be on the Cape! I am still in some pain but it is mostly the pressure from the swelling under my arm that is the problem. And I can't reach directly above my head. But I guess that will come in time. Still not feeling very good about my appearance. But again, it is that swelling under my arm that makes me look like an old lady.

I am going on another cruise. My sister in law and I are leaving Friday out of Boston for two nights at sea on the new Freedom of the SEas. It will be a nice diversion.

I am going to post some pix from our California trip her soon. I think the pictures will tell much more than my writings.

On Mother's Day, my mom wrote a very nice toast about celebrating the beginning of my new life. It was very sweet but I am still right in the middle of this speed bump. More treatments, the reconstruction, and the first year of being "out" of the cancer game with that threat always hanging over my head. I will never be the same as I was pre-cancer. I will always be looking for the next lump or something to show up somewhere. However, I am stronger for the journey so far and really have changed. I am as likely to tell you what you want to hear but what I feel is the truth. I am looking at being a part time worker very differently as my kids are growing and getting more involved in activities. I want to share the wonders of the world with them now and not worry so much about paying for college, etc. Doug hates that thought. But I will also be taking care of me more. I will not feel guilty about taking time to get a facial or some such thing. I will sign back up for a yoga class once my treatments are over and I will continue to believe in the power of meditation and breathing now and later. Once this flooding rain stops, I will go out and do more gardening - as much as I can. I saw the sun for the first time in days for about 1 minute today! This weather is not helping me, you know.

Anyways, here come some pictures soon.

Me

2006-05-10T13:33:00.000-05:00

It is very hard to type still. Just wanted everyone to know that all 11 nodes were negative, my margins were clear and the 5cm tumor was only 1/2 cm. Drains are out but my arm is still sore and swollen underneath.

A little out of time

2006-04-28T16:44:00.000-05:00

I am home, but it is not easy for me to Type. I stayed in hospital for two nights since we were having some trouble getting me off the morphine and onto Percoset with good results. I am mildly allergic to each, I have found out - makes me itch!

My home health aide came today and helped me take off the bandages and take a shower.

I am a pro already at emptying my drains and have not had any breakdowns about the breast not being there. The node dissection seems to be giving me the most pain. My upper arm on the inside is numb as is from above the cut to my clavicle and across to my shoulder. Since this is not permanent numbness, it either hurts or doesn't. Strange things those nerves are.

I am not sure how I am going to progress, especially since there is nothing I can do until the pathology comes back as far as next steps.

I am going to call my oncologist and ask about hormone therapy. I hope to have an appointment soon with Dr. Girshovich sometime after May 8th when I get the drains removed.

More California and breast talk soon.

Vacation

2006-04-20T13:56:00.000-05:00

Well, our vacation was a rousing success. We all ended up flying together since Doug had a change of plan, which was great. We got in last Thursday around 6pm. We checked into the Marriott Coronado and, of course, wanted Mexican food! They suggested a little place named Miguel's Cucina that was just perfect. Yummy! The next morning Doug had meetings so the kids and I had a nice breakfast in the hotel and then we went to the pool. We had a room over-looking the bay directly into downtown San Diego and that is the view from the pool as well. Lots of boats to watch. After a downpour, the girls and I took the Marriott's water taxi over to the Marriott San Diego and went to a little place right on the water called Point Village. Lots of stores and little places to sit. And many ducks and their ducklings! It was amazing how many we saw! Doug met us there in time to go on a Seal Tour (the same as a Duck Tour here in Boston - an amphibious vehicle that tours the water front and then plunges into the bay) but they cancelled it because more rain was coming in. So we drove up to San Diego's Old Town which is where the original settlement happened. There are museums and nice places to eat. We were serenaded my a mariachi band while sipping margaritas and enjoying chips and salsa. We ended the night back in the hotel with dinner in the hotel lounge. Julianna wanted to play billiards but we were all very tired! The hotel is really a very nice place. When we went back tot he room, there was a message about a hotel across the bay that was being imploded Saturday morning at 8am and we shouldn't worry if we hear many explosions or see black dust. Thank You! We got up the next morning in time to see the demolition of the old San Diego Hotel. Although it was pouring rain, we were able to hear the explosions along with many other guests of the hotel as well as see some dust rising. We ran inside and caught the replay. A very exciting thing we had no idea we were going to see!

Since it was still raining, we went to Orange Street (the main restaurant street in Coronado) and found a diner The Night and Day Cafe that had been there since the 1920's. With only 13 stools at the counter, loud music and an ancient hood over the grill, it was exactly what we needed. Great breakfast cheap! It is open 24 hours and has sooo much atmosphere! Once the rains ended we drove to the San Diego zoo. What a gorgeous park! Really worth the trip no matter what your age. We travelled by foot, aerial tram, express bus and we took the guided tour at the end of the day after walking quite a bit! That evening we were invited to one of Doug's client's home in the hills overlooking La Jolla and all of downtown and the bay. A modern home with a view to kill for, Pam and Richard were great hosts as were their standard poodle George and ancient German Shepherd April.

Will write more later.

Conversations

2006-04-05T13:42:00.000-05:00

I had a great conversation with my friend Eileen the other night. I spoke about this over-powering need for me to go somewhere where I can be topless on a beach before I don't have my real breast anymore.

That lead into much laughter about how I can do that now just by flashing people as I used to do in college! We also decided that since boob prosthesis that you stick into your bra or whatever are very expensive and we should introduce "boob in a box" for those of us on a budget. The first purchase would be a perfectly shaped bag of peas to be frozen and used directly after surgery for the pain AND to look great. Then, we would form a boob out of rice or beans or maybe even pasta, with a nipple in the correct place. We could do this all mail order and charge just enough to keep us in money for several vacations and wine. We could probably get all the supplies free because it is for a good cause - many bags of frozen peas and the rest of the food stuffs (ha ha - stuffs!) could be donated by, like, Green Giant or something. Then we could get cast off hosiery for the outside to match peoples normal skin color!

Now if someone takes this idea from this blog and does something, you better cut us in because I will hunt you down and throttle you! Or cut something off!

Laughter is good. Especially belly laughs! Thanks, Eileen!

About me

2006-04-03T11:11:00.000-05:00

Well, I promised an update on "feelings". I am having some good days and some miserable ones. Have begun counting down the days to surgery. It is kinda sick and twisted. I can only compare it to someone having an amputation. I know I will have the reconstruction but it won't be the same. I am feeling a little bit insane and a little neglected frankly. I do think that people have no idea what to say. I say, actions speak louder than words. But I don't know what those actions should be. I would really like it if my friends would come visit me. I don't feel like working. Good thing I don't have to much. Then I will be off from April 13 - May 1 so no biggie there. I really wish I could go somewhere where topless is the norm before surgery, you know?And then there's planning for radiation - every day! Elisabeth is coming for a couple of days this week.

I need to start planning for this summer - I need to talk to Uncle Tom and Aunt Ellen about quahog fest 2006! I still can't believe that my 40th birthday will be pre-, during, or recovering from reconstruction. I still want to go somewhere wonderful with as many people as possible.

Just rambling now.

Recital 2006

2006-04-03T11:08:00.000-05:00

They were brilliant!

LOVE

2006-04-03T11:06:00.000-05:00

My beautiful sister, her handsome husband and perfect little Diego. Born 3/29, 2006 11:57pm.nu=3233>539>254>23245393458:8ot1lsi.jpg">

Strange

2006-03-30T13:59:00.000-05:00

How strange! A Thursday without chemo! Just bazaar.

My newest nephew was born last night at 11:57pm. After a very long labor, Michelle pushed for 3.5 hours and his head wouldn't drop. So Diego is a c-section baby. I got to hear him cry last night around 2:30am while he was getting a bath. Michelle was so exhausted! They are supposed to be sending me some pix over the next couple of days. I really wish I could have been there for her but Doug was out of town. I hope to go see her either Sunday or bring the crew for next weekend.

Asked Dr. Karp about a PET scan to really really be sure but he said that it only shows tumors 1cm or larger and that we probably wouldn't see anything at all. So I am committed to the mastectomy. I am counting down in a rather twisted way. 26 days until I lose a part of my body - my breast no less. I really got to like them a lot since they got bigger after childbirth. Oh well.

One of the Big Days

2006-03-22T16:18:00.000-05:00

Well, I had my CT Scan with no problems yesterday. Then it was off to Dr. Karp's office for surgical talk.

Doug was with me and we started out meeting around 9:30am. Dr. Karp was very happy to see both the MRI and the CT Scan. They basically show almost no residual tumor. But. Since we are in the baby stages of pre-surgical chemotherapy we still need to err on the side of safety. If I had only one tumor, He would have no problems doing a simple lumpectomy followed by radiation because my nodes were positive. And he was very honest telling me and drawing for me what a lumpectomy would look like without the other small tumor that was present. He also said that he could possible do a larger lumpectomy to try and find the edges of that second tumor. IT looked like a lot of breast tissue would be taken to try to be sure that he got clean edges around both of the tumor sites. Since we did not find the second tumor until after they placed the clip, we don't have a definite point to work off for that one. He would still take all of my nodes and it would be followed by about 6 weeks of radiation. He was very willing to go back and forth on this and said that if I twisted his arm, he would do this surgery for me.

The mastectomy would be his first choice still. And I knew this from the beginning. Because of how large the first tumor was, the appearance of the second tumor about an inch away from the big one, and the three positive nodes it is the safest bet. I told him that that is exactly how I felt. He also said that I would need the radiation and the nodes removed. Then about six months after radiation, we would talk reconstruction. He did say that he would be very disappointed if the pathology all came back negative after the surgery and would expect there would be a lot of thinking "well, we could have just done a lumpectomy". I agreed that it would be a difficult thing to swallow but since we are so on the cutting edge of this pre surgical chemo, and it hasn't been long enough to define whether if it looks like there is no cancer, then there is no cancer left, I would like to be better safe than sorry later.

We talked a lot about recent studies mostly about recurrence and life expectancy. Removing the nodes still has shown to cut down on recurrence so therefore life expectancy. Radiation of the chest wall has show the same. I had another mammography for us to look at once again. Again, it showed pretty much nothing. We talked about the spot on my liver and on my lung that were still unchanged. If they were cancer, the chemo will have controlled it too. We talked about the possibility of the pathology coming back completely negative and if that were the case, could be not do radiation and get reconstruction done earlier. All these things are still possibilities. I am, however, the poster child for chemo and shrinking tumors. Basically a lot of the after surgery stuff will depend on whether he does take out anything that still has cancer cells.

Bottom line is that I am scheduled for a modified radical mastectomy with removal of my lymph nodes on April 25. Then the results tell us the rest of the schedule. If I do need radiation, we would start two to three weeks after the surgery for four to six weeks. Then we would have to wait six months for the reconstruction so that brings us into the beginning of the new year for that to happen. And, I am still thinking of getting reconstruction done in Boston but that is for a later discussion. If I don't need radiation then we could do the reconstruction much earlier - three to four weeks after surgery at the most.

The kids and I will be meeting Doug in San Diego on April 13 until the 18th for the first half of the kids vacation. I have found a ranch that does horse whispering and they are right next to the National Park that is a desert and they ride into the desert. We are definitely doing that! We'll find some more fun stuff for the rest of that week once we all return home. Then it will be time for surgery. I have to go in to get some other testing done - blood work, EKG - as well as meeting with the nurses to go over the care of the drains and the wound and recovery exercises and all that. That will probably happen after the 18th but not definitely. Doug will be gone for most of the second week of April and will be Paulo Alto before he comes down to San Diego to meet us.

I will write later about how this is all feeling, when it has sunk in a bit more and I am feeling something. Right now, I am still kinda stunned.

LAST CHEMO!!!!!!!

2006-03-16T16:53:00.000-05:00

Not only was today my last chemo treatment but I met with my oncologist and she had the results of my MRI. There are no discernable tumors left as read by MRI! Nothing! The MRI saw nothing. Which means the chemo was VERY effective. It also means more to talk about with my surgeon and my radiation oncologist. May I still be a candidate for a lumpectomy with radiation? If I get the mastectomy do I still need radiation? If not, can I get reconstructed at the same time? What if after the surgery my nodes show signs of cancer? When do those results come back after surgery. I don't want two surgeries if I can swing it. But since my three nodes were positive and they talked about removing very many of them at first, does this change how many node to take?

SO. I still have my CT Scan on the 21st so that we can look at the rest of my body as well as get another look for any sign of tumor. That may also show about the nodes since it is done with the dye again.

Bottom line is that the news is all good. Even though it does complicate the surgery decisions, I really don't care.

We are all going to San Diego on April 13 for a longish weekend while the kids have April Vacation. We return the 18th so that play dates can be arranged. Very excited about that.

We also have someone who is 80% sold on our old house so now it takes our agent to really push it. The good news is that the wife is 100% sure she wants it. The husband seems to be the holdout but in this case we all know who normally gets their way! We also have another showing on Saturday.

I think I am going to have a glass of champagne! WOOHOO!

MRI and stuff

2006-03-09T09:51:00.000-05:00

Isn't this the greatest! My friend Kim sent it to me!

Last night was the MRI. The had to try four times until they could get a vein that wouldn't just give up! I was pretty faint feeling during that process. OF course, no problem with the actual MRI. With the crazy "music" of the machine and actually being able to lie down for a minute, I was more than comfortable and happy.

There will be results some time next week but I am not sure I will even talk about them until I see Dr. Karp on the 22nd. I will call to be sure I don't need to do it again for any reason, though. ALthough they have been really good about calling me.

Get to have a week with no prodding! Plan to enjoy the weekend! Have to make a model of a kitchen with Meaghanne for her electricty project.

Appointments

2006-03-03T16:45:00.000-05:00

So that everyone can keep track of all my appointments:

March 8 - MRI at night
March 16 - last chemo
March 21 - early morning CT scan
March 22 - meet with surgeon

Crazy March!

Results

2006-03-01T12:13:00.000-05:00

Well, the news is great - all of the genes that were tested were negative for mutations! Of course, there is a slight possibility that those genes that there is no test for yet could be a factor but, what can you do?

So, I don't have to worry about my ovaries and needn't do more than have my regular yearly exam. I am going to wait to see about the left breast and what more shows up on the latest MRI results before I decide on that. But I am so glad that I know now!

I did my blood testing while I was there and everything is good so I am definitely having a treatment tomorrow. Second to last - woo hoo!

I would like to see my surgery scheduled for after school vacation in April so that we can all go somewhere together for some fun! Doug and I will talk about that this weekend and see what we come up with.

Genetics

2006-03-01T07:41:00.000-05:00

I have an appointment with the risk assessment person and my surgeon this morning at 10:00am to get my genetic testing results!

Doug is going to be unable to attend as he is flying home from San Francisco today. Wish me luck! I will post more when I return.

Updates

2006-02-23T16:42:00.000-05:00

I had a wonderful time in NYC. Not only was my sister's baby shower a great success, the dog show exactly what I needed to relax, but my sister had a Yoga marriage to be legal before the baby is born - a wedding will follow.

I have been skiing up in Waterville Valley for the beginning of this vacation. Staying at my brother in law's cabin with everyone from my husband's side except his mom. The conditions are not perfect but watching my girls get so great and enjoying myself on the slopes was fun.

I can home yesterday because I was supposed to have my second to last treatment today. Unfortunately, my white blood cell count was down to 900 so I couldn't get it. I now have to go back next Thursday and everything is off by a week. Oh well. I week, I think I can handle. Oh and my genetic tests were recently sent to Dr. Karp. They have not received them yet but I should get a call next week to talk about them.

If I can get my work done by the morning, I will go back up to Waterville early. No matter what, I am going to ski with the family on Saturday. We do have to be back on Sunday. Doug is traveling very much in March so things are going to be crazy! Again, just have to hang in there.

Kimberly

2006-02-10T13:04:00.000-05:00

This is of my bald head taken today. It really is the perfect shaped bald head, if I do say so myself. I did have a dream that my hair grew back so much that I didn't have to wear a cap to keep warm! But truthfully, I should lose the little growth I have and most of the other hair that is left on my body over the weekend because of the cumlative effects of the Taxol. Oh, well.

2006-02-10T12:54:00.000-05:00

Well, I had my second Taxol yesterday so I am halfway through. So far, I am feeling just fine. I have taken some Advil just to be on the safe side and will continue to do so through Monday. I am so excited for this little vacation of mine! Baby shower, dog show, everything. I am really allowing the little things to get me up. I am even going to a jewelry party tonight and am really looking forward to spending the time with friends.

My email address will be changing probably next Friday so I will update everyone on that. Have to pack and wrap soon.

2006-02-03T13:17:00.000-05:00

A bit of a rant. But before I say so, I have received emails recently from Karin and Clare and a post by Chrissy and I love them! Please keep them coming even if I don't respond right away!

I hate having no control of my life! I cannot plan things, I cannot even know for sure if I have a future! My hands are a dry peeling, cracking mess and my face is not worth getting the mirror out for! Now I have to wait for the genetic tests to come back before I can even discuss surgery options. If everything goes well, I will have those test results before my last chemo. But it is difficult because of all the freakin privacy laws and they have to make an appointment with the risk counselor to give them to you and counsel you on them! I don't want counseling, I want my answer. Negative - great! Only really have to look at the difference between a lumpectomy and a mastectomy. Positive - I am looking at double mastectomy and removal of my ovaries. Not that I want them anymore but it becomes a much more major surgery (s) with longer recovery time, etc, etc. I am not taking the best care of myself and money is so scarce because we are carrying two mortgages and two equity loans. Until the house sells, I can't even think about doing anything for myself! At least I am going to NYC next weekend for my sister's baby shower and the Westminster Dog show. That will be fun and a bit of a break from my life.

Blah!

After Taxol

2006-01-31T13:38:00.000-05:00

Well, I didn't have an allergic reaction to the Taxol which was good. But I did end up with the aches and pains that come about 2 days after the treatment. Some felt like flu and others felt like being hit with a hammer in certain places at random times. It sucks! But, I will live through it. I go for my special blood test for my genetic testing tomorrow. I really am anxious to know the results so that I can try to prepare myself for what the surgery is going to be.

I have been thinking about when I can breathe between the chemo and the surgery or whether I should wait until after the surgery. I kinda would like some time with both breasts to be able to chill out at the timeshare in the DR. But then I think I should wait and see when I am officially cancer free. But what if that doesn't happen? And how long will it be until the re-construction? I really am still having a hard time not being in control of my life. But then I take a deep breath and remind myself that something else has me in control but it won't be forever.

2006-01-24T08:38:00.000-05:00

Today is Tuesday and I start Taxol on Thursday. A little afraid of the unknown. But then again, Doug left yesterday morning on business and I spent last night alone in the new home. No problems!
Meaghanne has been diagnosed with full blown asthma and is on a week of two different inhalers until she can be checked again next week. She is being a real trooper and was sincerely surprised after they did a treatment at the doctor's office last night. Her chest didn't feel heavy and it was easier to breathe. I think she thought it was usually that hard to breathe, poor thing!
Kids have both taken to the move well. Already (or still) their rooms are a mess of toys and clothes to be put away.
Although my phones were both working on Saturday, they have been down since Sunday morning and with the snow yesterday, Comcast was taken off the road! Funny, I still had to go get my kids at school!
Back to work on weddings!
I will try to post on Thursday after my treatment.
Thanks to everyone for their wonderful Birthday wishes. Although the actual day was pretty hard, Doug and I got some alone time on Saturday morning for brunch at Espalier!

Look what I received!

2006-01-24T08:37:00.000-05:00

My friend Karin, who lives down South, sent me this and I wanted to post it. It really made me smile.

Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday
We Love YOU
Happy Birthday
and may all your
Dreams come true
When you Blow out the Candles
One Light stays Aglow
Its the love light in your eyes
Where 'ere you go

***one of Elias' favorite songs by Harry Chapin's brother Tom Chapin, who makes music for small people

I love you and I'm thinking about you every day. I would like to be there to help you unpack-you know my OCD comes in handy on moving day and I promise I wouldn't let any cats escape this time (remember Forge Gate in Cold Spring??)
Take those deep breaths. Here come the strength vibes.
Karin

2006-01-19T13:19:00.000-05:00

Today is my birthday - 39 years. A different life than I thought I would be leading. Just have to plow on. At least we have moving people coming tomorrow and that I will sleep in the new house tomorrow night...So much to do....

2006-01-10T12:21:00.000-05:00

It is Tuesday before my last AC treatment. We have finally set a date for the move and are hiring movers to do the big stuff on January 20. That way we have the weekend after to move the little stuff. this weekend, Doug will concentrate on finishing up the punch list and continue moving boxes from here to there. Doug's parents have graciously offered to pay for the moving people. Ken was with Doug all weekend working and Rich came up to lend a hand on Sunday. I guess since Doug yelled and screamed he has gotten everything out since last weekend. He continued to be very upset about Julianna's room and I need to just learn how to ignore that. But I don't want Julianna's self esteem to suffer with everyone telling her that her choice was wrong. She actually told me that she was sure that Doug wouldn't even come into her room since he hates it so much. That is not good. I wish Doug would use the services of our social worker in order to vent his anger about everything. He has a right to be angry but I really am not supposed to have that type of stress right now and venting to me has me picking up on it. I am still very short with him and on edge with the kids with everything. I have feeling more "up" since Saturday finally. Throwing myself into work has helped me get through. Michelle sent me a note that Krishna Das is having a Kirtan locally on Friday and teaching and chanting on Saturday. I will have to see how I am feeling because that would really get my spiritual energies flowing.

Some stuff

2006-01-06T16:36:00.000-05:00

I found out on Tuesday? that my insurance had denied the request for genetic testing. They said I wasn't fitting their criteria of 1st or second generational cancer. I immediately called my risk manager and she said that she was going to get Dr. Karp on it. I know once he gets things, he is like a dog with a tug toy so if anyone could do it he could.

In the meantime yesterday I basically broke down and have not sprung very far up. The stress of everything going on around me is way too much for me to handle. When I mentioned that Doug ask his parents to come up it invoked a holy hell of screaming at me - and he said he wasn't resentful of me. I had to hear about money and timing and lists and doing his "real" job and all other stuff. Then he said that he was going to have to travel for a week and that he was going to ask his parents to come up then. To me that doesn't make any sense. He didn't even tell me what week this was going to be! I told him to sell the freakin house and that I wished I would have to be admitted to the hospital. I still do, kinda. I have a huge upper lip because my lips stuck together Wednesday night and when I opened my mouth Thursday morning, all the skin from the top middle of my lip came off. This morning it was so big I had to make an appointment with my doctor. She doesn't think it is an infection but I do have an ear infection so we are treating that with Amoxicillin.

As soon as I walked int the door from my doctor, Dr. Karp called to say that he had a little talk with the Tufts guy. Basically the Tufts guy read the form incorrectly. What a dim bulb. so mow we wait for the new letter stating that the test will be paid for and then line me up for another blood sample. The results take about a month but then I will know more about what surgery (s) to do.

I am getting tired and weary of this. It seems that everyone and everything would be better off without me. I am getting in the way too much of progress or something. I just hate it.

2006-01-03T16:38:00.000-05:00

Here is a pic from Christmas morning. As you can see, both Doug and I are appearance challenged!

Some pictures

2006-01-03T14:29:00.000-05:00

This is Julianna dressed as a Reindeer for the Albany/Bershire Ballet performance of the Nutcracker - Just sooo cute!

A New Year

2006-01-02T13:18:00.000-05:00

The girls have been with their cousins since Friday afternoon and so Doug and I have been childless. They are having such a good time and boy do they deserve it. Many, many, many thanks to Beth and Jenny for making their little tour of New England (and First Night Boston) such a great time for them and allowing me to really sleep during this time. I can't wait to see pictures and I can't wait to see them later today.

This new year thing is weird. Doug is starting a new position at work and feels very far behind with everything (which is really per usual) including the new house. He asked what I wanted for my birthday and said that I would like to be moved in by that following weekend. It would be so nice. He said last night that he wasn't ready to start the new year. I feel like there hasn't been a change. My head is down and pushing through the days so that I can get to the other side of this thing. This last treatment has left me foggy, unstable and VERY dry eyed! Doug has to be in California leaving tomorrow and returning early Thursday. It is supposed to snow here tomorrow. It's like "wake up and get going again, Kimberly!" I will do my best! I was looking back a previous New Years and thinking about how last year, I had no idea what I was in for. And this year starts pretty much in the same way...I have a schedule, but no real path. Things can change at any minute and I am not the sort that can handle that well. I am getting better though. I would like to go somewhere once I have recovered from surgery and been told that I am cancer free. I think I will pick a place and if others want to come, so be it. Doug is afraid I will spend lots of money on something big and we don't have it. I really will do something VERY big is I am not cancer free or when and if it comes back! But for now, I would love to go to our time-share in La Romana and relax for a while, then others can come or not. But that isn't going to be for quite a while. I would love to promote a big family/friends reunion for next Christmas on a cruise ship or Club Med somewhere. I have to keep dreaming.

So here is to the completely unknown. I will try and make myself comfortable for the ride with all its ups and downs, twists and turns. I will kiss my husband and my kids every day that I can. That is my resolution.

To post comments

2006-01-02T13:15:00.000-05:00

Just wanted everyone to know that I really appreciate the comments that are posted and would like to ask everyone to sign up in order to post the comment on my blog.

After reading a post, you can click on comments and sign up in order to post there. Please do this so that I can keep everyone in the loop who has been posting. Once you post a comment, it will have to be moderated by myself and when I publish it, it will show up.

I hope this helps everyone to post here on the blog!

My idea

2005-12-27T19:35:00.000-05:00

It has been my choice to communicate to those I love aswell as those I don'teven know through this blog. I am able to write much more sincerelythan how I can speak.

In Hilton Head

2005-12-23T09:47:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone. I just wanted those of you who don't know to know that when you post comments, they will not show up until I read them and publish them. Kristen, no comments showed up on my blog so you will have to try again, sorry. I hope everyone is excited about Christmas and having a good time preparing. Right now, Doug and the girls are swimming in the pool here at the Barony and if I can find a swim cap, or even if I can't, I will join them soon. I will check in from Granfather's computer again tonight. And thanks everyone for your emotion support and understanding about that email - I was shocked and confused but feel that I have no need to be now. THANKS!

Email from Cousin

2005-12-22T06:06:00.000-05:00

I received this email from my cousin Trisha. Would like to know what people think:

Kimberly,

Wow, I don't know who I am talking to anymore. No one is or was chastising you, however, we are all pretty upset that we were the last to know. But that's your choice. Mom was and still is pretty upset because she wanted to be there for you. If that is a bad thing...well, then, we're sorry. And your right...it is all about you. That is all I heard from your blog. At this point in time I do not wish to post comments in some blog for everyone to read. While your friends and family have had time to realize the severity of your situation, it still has not set well with us yet. We think it sucks. It's unfair. And I know from my experience with breast surgery alone how uncomforable and miserable you can feel. But as you said...it's your trip... you take it.
Aunt Pat just figures that the whole Menard family is dysfunctional. Only a handful of us can admit to it and are working through it. I have chosen to take on the last name again, but not to become a "typical" Menard. I am not speaking for my mother right now when I say that if you want to take this trip without me...take it. I am too tired of being a part of a "family" like this. Christ, we barely know each other anymore. I am "creating" a family. I have friends and some distant relatives who have stood by me through it all, that's all I need.
But before I go...I have one thing to say. I grew up in your shadow. I am over it...BUT, I always thought that you were smarter than this. It is NOT all about YOU. It is also about MEG, JULES, and DOUG. So while it might be your trip...they are along for the ride. Weather or not you like, or they like it. This is a very serious situation that God forbid could end up bad. Will it be all about you then? "Nuff said." And yes...I did just chastise you. Do what you need need too do...I am just going to stay away. It works better that way. Take care...tell Doug and the kids we love them...
Love,

Trisha

Ok, OK

2005-12-20T12:09:00.000-05:00

Well, it seems that my staying in bed has pushed everyone over the edge! Get over it! I am entitled to feel like crap and bitch and moan! I feel very weak today too but I took a shower and went to the new house to see how the bath was coming (well), and picked out fixtures, etc. But I will not be made to feel like I am not trying when I just need to sit around and watch TV and read for a day or two! I am wearing one of my new wigs as well. I can't look up without feeling that it is going to fall off, even though there is no chance of that. I have to find one of our swim caps for Hilton Head so I don't scare too many people!

I do have a cool idea, though. I was thinking maybe I could find a wet or dry suit so that I can go swimming in the ocean in Hilton Head! That would be awesome on one of the 60 degree days. Maybe even every day. I am going to go to REI and take a look at what they have. I know they make them and it would keep me warm when swimming at the Cape this summer. There, now I am going to do something. But really, next time I need to take to my bed, don't make me feel weaker than I am!

My friend Susan told me about a woman who spoke in a meeting of VERY successful women. She is also a breast cancer patient and she basically said that what she needed was not a support network because that meant that she was weak and needed to be held up. What she needed was a strength network. That's what I think as well. A group of strong people who let me borrow their strength when I need it.

Good.

No Hair

2005-12-19T08:49:00.000-05:00

This weekend was very bad. I ended up cutting/shaving my hair off yesterday late afternoon. I just couldn't deal with the pain and shedding. So now I have fuzz and a very white scalp. The main thing is that I am still feeling tired, heavy of breath and push to the curb, so to speak. At one point yesterday, Doug had piled folded laundry on half of the bed so I really felt like I should just roll off into the corner and go away. I feel like I am this big piece of meat that is just in the way and the more it gets covered up or moved to the side, the less it will disturb things. I have ruined everything and made incorrect decisions on the houses, what I eat, it doesn't matter. I have it pointed out to me very clearly. Nothing can go forward with me like this. There is no way we will move any time soon, etc, etc. I have finally got something sent to HH for Meaghanne from Santa but still nothing for Jules. No matter what, I have to get that done today.

Very Bad Day

2005-12-18T15:11:00.000-05:00

I feel like complete shit. My hair is itching and hurting and I want it all of. No one is here. Off doing the things that people who are not being poisoned do for the day. I have been relegated to half of my bed while the rest is piled with clean clothes. I am totally alone and don't want to do this any more. I want to be normal and not have to hide my feelings from everyone in order for them to keep up with what they have to do. I want to sell both houses and go live somewhere alone. I can't stand this. My kids are terrified of me, I don't want anyone to touch me. I feel like pulling my scalp off my head.

Bad Day

2005-12-17T11:36:00.000-05:00

This morning I awoke to a massive depression. I don't really know why. My hair is coming out in clumps, but I knew that would happen. No one told me that it would hurt though. I have to take pain meds to get to sleep because my scalp hurts.

I bought two wigs that are beautiful but won't wear them until I really need to. I have a head scarf on now to catch the hair as it falls out.

Chemo went well, didn't feel nauseous at all. More later

Out of the Fog

2005-12-08T12:49:00.000-05:00

It seems that I have passed through the chemo-brain pretty well and that my brain is back to about 80%. I can actually work again. I must say, though, that if this is my worst side-effect, I will take it!

Had a second opinion at Dana Farber and will stay my course at Lahey. Dr. Chen said that the course I am on is exactly what they would do. The only thing she did say was that I need to meet with a genetic counselor, which I will do soon. Also, she suggested that I go into Boston for my reconstruction and I agreed. There is a new procedure being done at Beth Isreal called DIEP. In this procedure, they do not take as much muscle from the belly for the re-construction - just more fat!!!! Sounds good to me. There are also a couple of studies that she wants me to call her about later on. One is if there is more than 1 cm of cancer left after chemo, confirmed by surgery. So springtime or so for that one. It is using a new drug called Avastin in combination with oral chemo. Avastin has shown to cure brain cancers! There is another study for women under 42 who never get their period back after chemo using Tamoxifen and another drug. We'll wait and see.

Once I meet with the genetic councilor, I will be able to make the decision on a second opinion about surgery. That being said, if I am positive for the gene, I will definitely get a mastectomy. If I am negative, I may try to get a lumpectomy if the tumors shrink enough. The genetic thing is kinda scary. Positive? I need to think about getting my ovaries out as well! OH, well. Not like I needed them any more. Since Dale seemed to have gone through menopause without too many side effects and relatively early, she will be a good resource if that decision comes up. But also, Michelle would need to get genetic testing if I am positive even though she is only half-sis. I am glad she is having a boy!

That's it for now - lots of work to do!

After a Few

2005-12-05T08:12:00.000-05:00

Today is Monday and my biggest complaint is that I cannot seem to keep myself going energy-wise. I do still wake up nauseous but that goes away quickly once I have had more water and a bit of carbs. I still have not bought batteries for my camera so I have not taken pix of my haircut. Will try to get out and do that today. More flowers have come and made my days so much brighter. Julianna did an amazing job in her part as a reindeer for the Nutcracker this weekend. My fridge is so full of food that we have had to call our friends to reschedule food deliveries. and the Patriots won last night. So, really, life is good.

Post Treatment

2005-12-01T20:48:00.000-05:00

Well I am home and very tired. No naseau or anything for now> we need to call them totonorrow to see f they ever gave me the shot to up my whit blood cells since I really don't know. I am off to eat soup. I hope to get through tonight with no problems...

Thursday

2005-12-01T09:59:00.000-05:00

Today is the first chemo. I went yesterday and got the most gorgeous haircut from Tiffany! One of Julianna's friends said this morning that I look like "that lady from Freaky Friday" Jamie Lee curtis. I'll take the compliment.Went out last night to the martini bar and had a flirtini before group. Group was good and I am glad I went back. It was all about the mind/body connection. The best part was when Pam asked us how we feel when people say "stay positive!" and the surrounding studies that scare women like us that if you have a negative thought that your cancer cells will grow and multiply, blah, blah, blah. The best way for us to stay positive is to be true to our feelings. Scared, annoyed, angry, etc are all positive thoughts if they are really what we are feeling. One of the many reasons people say that is that they really are saying "hey, I don't really want to deal with you and your cancer right now so just stop". I also know that since most people in this world need to "understand" someone else's feelings that they try to make my story about them. And I can say "your lecturing (or whatever) is not helping me right now" and walk away. I need to meditate, do yoga, or whatever my body/mind is telling me to do at the moment. And bascially concentrate on myself because I know I am the one and only person fighting this battle for me. The more good things I do for my mind or my body, the better I will be able to handle that bad days.

Well, there is my rant for the day. I will try to get a picture of myself in my gorgeous new do up before the end of the day. Oh, I had lots of suchi last night after group and it was great!!!!

Dancing at Ken and Adele's Wedding.

2005-11-28T16:59:00.000-05:00

I really hope that someone has a picture of the back of my head! This was the first "updo" I have ever done professionally and it was perfect! If you need to go spa for a day or a weekend, the Cranwell is Lenox is amazing. This picture makes me happy.

Monday Monday

2005-11-28T15:40:00.000-05:00

The long weekend being finished, I look forward with great trepidation and anxiety to this Thursday at 12:45pm when I will start my chemo. I can't believe that I have to poison myself so badly to try and stop this disease - and with the thought of recurrence in the front of my mind, my future seems consumed with this. Kim promised me that the first chemo won't leave me too ill. "It's a cumulative thing". That would be great since Julianna is performing in the Albany Berkshire Ballet's Nutcracker on Saturday afternoon. There is all this talk about a port - everyone keeps asking me about it. I will discuss with Dr. Natarajan on Thursday but I really am not cool about getting something surgically implanted right yet. Perhaps I can try a couple of times or they can insert something without surgery. The more I read about them, the sicker I get to my stomach. I went to get my nails done today so I feel kinda done for the weekend. I will get my haircut sometime before Thursday afternoon - have to talk to my stylist. I think I would like a massage and a facial too but...the HOUSE! We have not sold this one and we are under the gun to finish the other one enough so that we can move in. Doug did an awesome job gutting the bath upstairs. But since John is "missing" again, he has no help. There is no way he can do this alone. So we are meeting with our contractor tomorrow morning to get the estimate for him to finish it. Then we will have to set up a payment plan of some kind. Damn John for bailing right after I paid him! Just spoke to Adele who is being so terrific to us. Talked to Michelle earlier and she is coming up the week of the 16th to help me out.

I am very scared of this whole thing...I can't imagine sitting there getting pumped full of poison. Even the procedure has many side effects. UGGG.

Here we go!

2005-11-25T19:26:00.000-05:00

This morning Doug and I met with my medical oncologist. Her name is Dr. Neela Natarajan and I really like her. She pulls no punches very much like Dr. Karp. She was honest in saying that there are more hot spots than the two tumors. They are looking at me with someone with a systemic disease. I am not longer typical since this all happened so fast and that the chances are I will have a recurrence. By doing chemo first, it is more likely that when the Dr Karp operates, he will more easily find clean and clear margins. IF we did surgery now and then did the chemo, it is probably that the cancer could spread in the three to four weeks between the two and I would end up having my chest wall become involved, etc. Did you know that I am on of the 80% of women who don't have any family history? My bio-mom is quick to say it must be my bio-dad's side but who knows. We talked about genetic counseling and the pros and cons of finding out whether this is going to lead to another breast cancer or ovarian cancer - both of which are at high odds if you have the gene. then there's my girls. Do I have them tested if I am positive and just put it on their records? What about when it is time to get life insurance? Can they be discriminated against?

Also found out a little more about the side effects of the first round of AC. the younger the woman the more difficult it is to stop the nausea. So after I lose 20 pounds throwing up, then I will start getting pissed! I will start going to the dentist more often if that is true.

I have not cut my hair yet. I have a call into my stylist so that I can get in sometime when things aren't too busy before Thursday - the day I have my first treatment. Oh and about that, they will be from 4 to 5 hours long. They have to draw blood, then administer the pre-chemo drugs to combat nausea white and red blood cell recovery, etc. Can this really be happening to me? I don't see a future. I just see the hand in front of my face and if it is able to carry things and scrape wallpaper then I guess I am good. There is no doubt that my life has changed. I am not one of the typical cases of breast cancer. I am one of a few. I need to talk tot he genetics counselor. Neela said to wait a bit and deal with this because she will be doing many many MRI's and CAT Scans during the process to find out how I am going. And since there is no test for ovarian cancer, she doesn't want me to jump right into thinking that every pain is cancer. Should I have the other breast removed? We will hopefully be able to see as we progress int he chemo. Right now I am schedule for every other Thursday. I could still go down to Hilton Head with the family but we would have to return earlier than we planned. Or at least I would. I am sure the kids would love to stay until the end of vacation with their cousins. That is something to really think about. With appointments running so long, who is gong to have the time to come with me? My friends all have kids and job? Doug is supposed to be gone the entire week of December12 - 16. What do I do then? I don't think that people know what they are getting into when they tell me they are willing to help. I want to start planning for the weekends that I am in "off" mode to so really fun things with the family. YM idea of really fun is to run off to new and exciting places. Murphy and Jenny et al are going to Guatemala in February and I think I will try to go there with them. who knows.

Happy Thanksgiving

2005-11-24T08:10:00.000-05:00

It is Thanksgiving morning and it is snowing here. A nice light snow that is not touching the street but enough to call it the first snow of the season.

I have a lo of friends and family to be thankful for. Elisabeth brought the kids out yesterday and we had an anti- Thanksgiving dinner which she cooked all of. Homemade mac and cheese, grilled veggies, ham and pie. We did not talk about anything we were Thankful for, just toasted to the next 12 months in which both of our families will be facing major challenges.

Cousin Rod has been calling me every week just to touch base and remind me that he is thinking of me. I received beautiful flowers from Brendan and Susan, Karin, and my husband. A friend Ingrid from High School spoke to Brennan and has touched base with kind thoughts.

I am thinking that this weekend will be my last of semi-normalcy for quite a while. Today we go to cousin Murph's house for the real thing. All the cousins will be there as well as Uncle Tom and Aunt Ellen and the two dogs! Murphy has been so generous in opening her home to us as well as Michelle and Venecio!

Friday my parents are coming in to do a sweeping two days of painting and moving furniture. I also meet with my medical oncologist to get my schedule for chemo. Doug has some questions about my course of treatment. I have questions like "can I get a prescription for a wig" and "where can I find yoga, massage reiki, etc for cancer patients". Some are still really pushing me for a second opinion. We did contact another cutting edge doctor at MGH but she has not returned any of Doug's calls. Susan wants me straight into Dana Farber. I jut want to get this year going so it will be over. The rest of the weekend will be working on the house and trying to get some of the rooms ready for furniture. I will need to get my hair cut short right around my first day of chemo and get a wig and some more hats!

Will update everything after my appointment on Friday.

Sunday Sunday

2005-11-20T17:16:00.000-05:00

This weekend was full with Julianna's sleepover party on Friday night preceded by parent/teacher conferences for both girls. Saturday we were invited out to brunch and Ken and Adele's but we were unable to go. Doug is really freaking out about the new house and getting things done and sometimes feeling really sorry for himself saying he feels like "either the maid or the contractor". I feel like the big lump that doesn't have full use of her right arm because of a lot of fluid buildup where the incision is and the fact that the pneumonia shot wreaked absolute havoc (lots of pain and numbness) to the same arm. we had a showing at 2pm on Saturday - another Doug freak-out about getting things done - and an open house today. We spent the day running around while Doug was with John ripping apart the upstairs bathroom. There were no more fliers on the dining room table when I came back so hopefully we had a successful open house. We also have a renter interested from Jan - Apr. We'll see. Nothing happening this week except work on new house, getting a filling fixed and a small cavity filled, hopefully getting the damn wall-paper finally finished and down in Julianna's room, then the anti-Thanksgiving on Wednesday with Liz and the kids, Thanksgiving meal with the cousins, then meeting with my medical oncologist on Friday to set up a schedule for chemo...

Not much

2005-11-18T10:19:00.000-05:00

I got a flu shot and a Pneumonia shot and now both arms hurt a lot. I went to my group meeting and I hated it. I really don't want to hear everyone else's stories. Some of their comments about what this drug did to them or whatever are helpful but it just made me want to throw up listening to all the stories. I will have to go back November 30 for the mind/body connection one but if they start going off about personal stuff, I am just not listening.

Flowers and insanity

2005-11-15T09:41:00.000-05:00

These are some flowers I received from my mom last week.

Last night, Meaghanne twisted her first molar around so that it was facing in the opposite direction. she was in a lot of pain and, of course, it was right before bedtime. First, Julianna had to go next door to the Erwin's because she was so afraid of Meg's screaming and crying (and bleeding). I stood with Meg in the bathroom for a while asking her if she felt I could pull it out or if she wanted someone else to do it. After administering some Oragel, she said she also wanted to go next door and see what Mr. Erwin thought. He took one look at it and said "you better call your dentist". I called my most amazing number one dentist in the area and he said to bring her in this morning.

Everyone came home, I gave Meaghanne a does of Nyquil to sleep and then Julianna was complaining about being scared and crying for her Dada and wanting to sleep in my bed. Remember, I had not had one second to myself all day. I called Doug and he talked them down and really did not know how I was going to make it any longer. Julianna was insisting that I come to bed right away. I ended up in here on my computer and she had fallen asleep in minutes. Of course, I can't move her to her own bed because I can't carry her.

So this morning comes and I have to deliver Jules to school with her cookies for her birthday, remember to say Happy Birthday and hug her (which I did) and then wisk Meg off to the dintist. she had literally knotted her tooth. Dr. Barry had to shoot her full of novocaine and then pull it out. Of course, now she is fine and back at school and that is the only reason I am able to write this.

Time to do some work!

It just keeps getting worse.

2005-11-14T09:33:00.000-05:00

I talked to Dr. Karp this morning and all three nodes that they took are cancerous. They are not sticking together or giant so at least I am not into stage IV. I have my consult with my medical oncologist November 25 at 1pm. I am guessing that I will start chemo treatment the week after.

I am officially in Stage IIIA.

Stage 5-year Relative Survival Rate - IIIA = 56%

Source: American Cancer Society

A five-year survival rate refers to the average number of patients who are still alive five years after diagnosis with a specific stage of breast cancer. After seven years, the survival rate decreases for each stage. The average Stage I breast cancer survival rate is 92%. The Stage II survival rate is 71%, Stage III survival rate is 39%, and the Stage IV survival rate is 11%.
It is important to remember that these survival rates are based on averages. Some women with advanced breast cancer live significantly longer than seven years. Researchers are constantly developing new treatment alternatives to prolong breast cancer survival.

Men!

2005-11-13T19:24:00.000-05:00

How many men does it take to roll out a runner for a wedding? This was a big last minute change in everything. A little panic later and - phew - it all worked out!

Sunday night

2005-11-13T19:11:00.000-05:00

Well, the big wedding weekend was a spectacular success. Ken and Adele were lovely and the two families really got along together and bonded. both families are so loving in two very different ways. I had my hair professionally styled for the first time in my life and I loved it so much! Can't wait to see pictures. Of course there are none of me on our camera! I was approached by a few of Lucy's friends who have also struggled with and beaten breast cancer. I look at them with much admiration and hope. I also look at them and see the big difference - I am 38 years old with two little kids under 10. Their loving support is going to mean much but I need to find someone who is more like me. My support group starts on Wednesday and I will be able to ask there for my person that I can call and talk to that is much like me but has made it to the other side. I am realizing what an internal person I am. I need to look inside for my strength and have almost always found it - but now, I need to learn to reach out. That is going to be the hardest thing for me and I am really not sure I am going to be able to do it. I came home to find that Dr. Karp had called on Friday afternoon. I will call him first thing in the morning. I wonder if this will be good or bad news about my nodes. Oh well, I'll know soon enough.

Silly

2005-11-11T03:40:00.000-05:00

I love llamas.

Things

2005-11-11T03:14:00.000-05:00

Can't sleep. Had Indian food last night finally! I have been craving it all summer and really felt that I deserved it. Saw the 30 Rock Xmas Tree delivered and felt like I wanted to take the kids to NYC for the tree lighting. Kinda feeling negative about things. I have to stop for the wedding. We need to sell this house. Since everyone in my family is in the wedding except me, I am kinda feeling left out. Just not feeling good about myself. Made an appointment with the dentist before chemo. I fear for my teeth! They are more a hang up for me than anything. I am more worried about losing them, etc than losing my breast or hair. I have always had a paranoia about my teeth, often dreaming bout them basically dissolving and falling out. I had that dream again last night. Ugh.

The surgery

2005-11-09T16:07:00.000-05:00

I arrived at 8:30am with Doug and went right in for an IV - took a couple of tries. Then I went up and had the same woman who did my ultrasound biopsy to give me the four shots of the radioactive stuff. Right in the boob! Ouch! Then I had to wait around for two hours so that the stuff could get into the nodes. Dr. Karp came around and we spoke again about the second tumor and after a lot of really funny near misses getting a portable monitor in with a hook up to the Lahey system, I got to see the MRI and the second tumor. Woopee. Anyways, don't remember even being brought into the operating room thanks to large doses of Versed! I didn't wake up at all until like 4:30pm when Doug called my name. I guess they were trying to get me up for a while since I had been out of surgery since 1:30pm! I guess the warm blankets, extra oxygen and the sedatives made me sleep pretty hard and I didn't feel any after effects at all. Ate some soup and a grilled cheese (comfort food), got hugs and kisses and went to bed at 8:00pm with the kids!

Today I have tried to stay in bed and nap and stay on the pain med schedule but failed on all counts. I forget when I took the stuff and then the pain comes back. It is not really that bad, actually. All the stuff about a special bra was unfounded. Just a gauze pad covered with tape. I even get to take that off tomorrow night, if I want. I am absolutely astonished at the mobility I have as well. I will have no problem dancing at the wedding this weekend.

Since Doug is going to be away all of next week, I have friends helping a lot. Tuesday and Wednesday, Elisabeth and Mary are coming, Wednesday and Thursday will be Kim. We hope to get a lot more done on the house while Doug is gone. I meet with Dr. Karp next Wednesday the 16th and will get an appointment with Dr. Natarajan between now and then to discuss chemo and get me started. I now have to try and get in to my dentist as well.

So much to do. I truly feel like a floozy but I am unable to enjoy it. I hear the things going on (Doug's cell phone ringing off the hook with work issues, the kids having a fit about something) and I feel like I need to participate somehow. I just went down to see them making cookies. However, I have had some wonderful cards and gifts from many many family and friends. Julianna's card is precious.

More tomorrow -

Sentinal Node Biopsy

2005-11-08T07:24:00.000-05:00

I will be off in a matter of minutes to have my breast shot up with something radioactive and then I have hours to wait while it courses through my veins. I am already sick to my stomach and Jules is crying and cranky. I have to go take a happy pill. Will write later on if I can lift my arm this high.

New and not so exciting

2005-11-07T14:18:00.000-05:00

Well, Dr. Karp just called and said that the MRI shows a second tumor in the breast and so he needs to recommend a mastectomy as opposed to a lumpectomy. we are still going to do the node biopsy tomorrow and follow with chemo so that I can keep my breast for the four months of chemo. Then we will do a mastectomy, radiation, then reconstruction. This continues to get worse by the day instead of better. My husband is away in Houston so I have told three friends, one of which is allowing me to bring the kids and dinner over for tonight. That way I can release whatever foreboding I have. Hope you read this soon Kim!

2005-11-07T14:16:00.000-05:00

The tests

2005-11-07T12:18:00.001-05:00

I had to have a whole series of tests the last two weeks. Started with a MUGAScan to make sure my heart was pumping the right way and get a baseline since chemo can damage your heart - very nice. Then I had my bone scan. Had to go to nuclear medicine so that they could do the contrast, etc. At this point I am starting to feel something. Like I really do have a long road ahead of me. I have told friends, some relatives, but I am very afraid to tell my parents and my biological family. After researching the chomo protocal called AC-T I realized that I will lose all my hair - eventually everywhere. I had to stop taking birth control because of estrogen positive tests on the tumor. Things were really starting to change and I still hadn't cried. I took a moment to look at wigs and finally lost it. It really is the kids worst fear out of everything. Even more than my death, they are worried about my hair! Anyways, next test was a CT-scan and an EKG, followed by an MRI. I have the results from all but the MRI and they are all generally positive. The CT-scan showed a spot on my liver but that is not unusual. I am hoping to get the MRI results today.

The past

2005-11-07T12:18:00.000-05:00

Here is an introduction to where I am at now. I had my yearly GYN appointment and she found a lump in my right breast. She mad an appointment for me at the breast clinic of Lahey Clinic. I had a mammogram, an ultrasound, and finally a physical exam with Dr. Karp, head of surgurical oncology. He told me right there that he was sure that it was cancer from the mammagram, the ultrasound and just from the way it felt. He did a needle biopsy right then but told me that even if it came back negative, he would have me have an ultrasound guided biopsy. I had good news for a moment as his biopsy came back negative but went straight for the other biopsy. I really have to say that I was in shock because I didn't cry, I didn't think about anything like what this would mean to me. Well, that biopsy was positive and I had the results the day before leaving on a 10 night cruise! I went with my girlfriend Elisabeth and had a fabulous time getting pampered at the spa and just being away. Upon my return, I had to go and meet my "team". Because of the timing, my husband was there only for meeting the nurse and surgeon. My nurse is where I go for all my test results and I actually have two. She put together all the infor on me and from the different doctors. Dr. Karp drew up two different options for me. One was going right into chemo and the other starting with the sentinal node biopsy. Since I need to know everything I chose the biopsy. Doug left to pick up the girls at school. I then met with my social worker who has been really helpful with things like telling the kids and getting me into a support group when I start chemo. I met my rediation oncologist who is a crazy Russian lady, I think. She really cracked me up because she was saying that Radiation is so easy, no side effects, maybe some burning, etc. "I will get you special cream to help your breast" she said. After that was meeting, I had my medical oncologist. She told me that she was very happy that I chose to do the node biopsy. She also told me what chemo drugs I will have.