My idea

It has been my choice to communicate to those I love aswell as those I don'teven know through this blog. I am able to write much more sincerelythan how I can speak.

In Hilton Head

Hi everyone. I just wanted those of you who don't know to know that when you post comments, they will not show up until I read them and publish them. Kristen, no comments showed up on my blog so you will have to try again, sorry. I hope everyone is excited about Christmas and having a good time preparing. Right now, Doug and the girls are swimming in the pool here at the Barony and if I can find a swim cap, or even if I can't, I will join them soon. I will check in from Granfather's computer again tonight. And thanks everyone for your emotion support and understanding about that email - I was shocked and confused but feel that I have no need to be now. THANKS!

Email from Cousin

I received this email from my cousin Trisha. Would like to know what people think:


Kimberly,

Wow, I don't know who I am talking to anymore. No one is or was chastising you, however, we are all pretty upset that we were the last to know. But that's your choice. Mom was and still is pretty upset because she wanted to be there for you. If that is a bad thing...well, then, we're sorry. And your right...it is all about you. That is all I heard from your blog. At this point in time I do not wish to post comments in some blog for everyone to read. While your friends and family have had time to realize the severity of your situation, it still has not set well with us yet. We think it sucks. It's unfair. And I know from my experience with breast surgery alone how uncomforable and miserable you can feel. But as you said...it's your trip... you take it.
Aunt Pat just figures that the whole Menard family is dysfunctional. Only a handful of us can admit to it and are working through it. I have chosen to take on the last name again, but not to become a "typical" Menard. I am not speaking for my mother right now when I say that if you want to take this trip without me...take it. I am too tired of being a part of a "family" like this. Christ, we barely know each other anymore. I am "creating" a family. I have friends and some distant relatives who have stood by me through it all, that's all I need.
But before I go...I have one thing to say. I grew up in your shadow. I am over it...BUT, I always thought that you were smarter than this. It is NOT all about YOU. It is also about MEG, JULES, and DOUG. So while it might be your trip...they are along for the ride. Weather or not you like, or they like it. This is a very serious situation that God forbid could end up bad. Will it be all about you then? "Nuff said." And yes...I did just chastise you. Do what you need need too do...I am just going to stay away. It works better that way. Take care...tell Doug and the kids we love them...
Love,

Trisha

Ok, OK

Well, it seems that my staying in bed has pushed everyone over the edge! Get over it! I am entitled to feel like crap and bitch and moan! I feel very weak today too but I took a shower and went to the new house to see how the bath was coming (well), and picked out fixtures, etc. But I will not be made to feel like I am not trying when I just need to sit around and watch TV and read for a day or two! I am wearing one of my new wigs as well. I can't look up without feeling that it is going to fall off, even though there is no chance of that. I have to find one of our swim caps for Hilton Head so I don't scare too many people!

I do have a cool idea, though. I was thinking maybe I could find a wet or dry suit so that I can go swimming in the ocean in Hilton Head! That would be awesome on one of the 60 degree days. Maybe even every day. I am going to go to REI and take a look at what they have. I know they make them and it would keep me warm when swimming at the Cape this summer. There, now I am going to do something. But really, next time I need to take to my bed, don't make me feel weaker than I am!

My friend Susan told me about a woman who spoke in a meeting of VERY successful women. She is also a breast cancer patient and she basically said that what she needed was not a support network because that meant that she was weak and needed to be held up. What she needed was a strength network. That's what I think as well. A group of strong people who let me borrow their strength when I need it.

Good.

No Hair

This weekend was very bad. I ended up cutting/shaving my hair off yesterday late afternoon. I just couldn't deal with the pain and shedding. So now I have fuzz and a very white scalp. The main thing is that I am still feeling tired, heavy of breath and push to the curb, so to speak. At one point yesterday, Doug had piled folded laundry on half of the bed so I really felt like I should just roll off into the corner and go away. I feel like I am this big piece of meat that is just in the way and the more it gets covered up or moved to the side, the less it will disturb things. I have ruined everything and made incorrect decisions on the houses, what I eat, it doesn't matter. I have it pointed out to me very clearly. Nothing can go forward with me like this. There is no way we will move any time soon, etc, etc. I have finally got something sent to HH for Meaghanne from Santa but still nothing for Jules. No matter what, I have to get that done today.

Very Bad Day

I feel like complete shit. My hair is itching and hurting and I want it all of. No one is here. Off doing the things that people who are not being poisoned do for the day. I have been relegated to half of my bed while the rest is piled with clean clothes. I am totally alone and don't want to do this any more. I want to be normal and not have to hide my feelings from everyone in order for them to keep up with what they have to do. I want to sell both houses and go live somewhere alone. I can't stand this. My kids are terrified of me, I don't want anyone to touch me. I feel like pulling my scalp off my head.

Bad Day

This morning I awoke to a massive depression. I don't really know why. My hair is coming out in clumps, but I knew that would happen. No one told me that it would hurt though. I have to take pain meds to get to sleep because my scalp hurts.

I bought two wigs that are beautiful but won't wear them until I really need to. I have a head scarf on now to catch the hair as it falls out.

Chemo went well, didn't feel nauseous at all. More later

Out of the Fog

It seems that I have passed through the chemo-brain pretty well and that my brain is back to about 80%. I can actually work again. I must say, though, that if this is my worst side-effect, I will take it!

Had a second opinion at Dana Farber and will stay my course at Lahey. Dr. Chen said that the course I am on is exactly what they would do. The only thing she did say was that I need to meet with a genetic counselor, which I will do soon. Also, she suggested that I go into Boston for my reconstruction and I agreed. There is a new procedure being done at Beth Isreal called DIEP. In this procedure, they do not take as much muscle from the belly for the re-construction - just more fat!!!! Sounds good to me. There are also a couple of studies that she wants me to call her about later on. One is if there is more than 1 cm of cancer left after chemo, confirmed by surgery. So springtime or so for that one. It is using a new drug called Avastin in combination with oral chemo. Avastin has shown to cure brain cancers! There is another study for women under 42 who never get their period back after chemo using Tamoxifen and another drug. We'll wait and see.

Once I meet with the genetic councilor, I will be able to make the decision on a second opinion about surgery. That being said, if I am positive for the gene, I will definitely get a mastectomy. If I am negative, I may try to get a lumpectomy if the tumors shrink enough. The genetic thing is kinda scary. Positive? I need to think about getting my ovaries out as well! OH, well. Not like I needed them any more. Since Dale seemed to have gone through menopause without too many side effects and relatively early, she will be a good resource if that decision comes up. But also, Michelle would need to get genetic testing if I am positive even though she is only half-sis. I am glad she is having a boy!

That's it for now - lots of work to do!

After a Few

Today is Monday and my biggest complaint is that I cannot seem to keep myself going energy-wise. I do still wake up nauseous but that goes away quickly once I have had more water and a bit of carbs. I still have not bought batteries for my camera so I have not taken pix of my haircut. Will try to get out and do that today. More flowers have come and made my days so much brighter. Julianna did an amazing job in her part as a reindeer for the Nutcracker this weekend. My fridge is so full of food that we have had to call our friends to reschedule food deliveries. and the Patriots won last night. So, really, life is good.

Post Treatment

Well I am home and very tired. No naseau or anything for now> we need to call them totonorrow to see f they ever gave me the shot to up my whit blood cells since I really don't know. I am off to eat soup. I hope to get through tonight with no problems...

Thursday

Today is the first chemo. I went yesterday and got the most gorgeous haircut from Tiffany! One of Julianna's friends said this morning that I look like "that lady from Freaky Friday" Jamie Lee curtis. I'll take the compliment.Went out last night to the martini bar and had a flirtini before group. Group was good and I am glad I went back. It was all about the mind/body connection. The best part was when Pam asked us how we feel when people say "stay positive!" and the surrounding studies that scare women like us that if you have a negative thought that your cancer cells will grow and multiply, blah, blah, blah. The best way for us to stay positive is to be true to our feelings. Scared, annoyed, angry, etc are all positive thoughts if they are really what we are feeling. One of the many reasons people say that is that they really are saying "hey, I don't really want to deal with you and your cancer right now so just stop". I also know that since most people in this world need to "understand" someone else's feelings that they try to make my story about them. And I can say "your lecturing (or whatever) is not helping me right now" and walk away. I need to meditate, do yoga, or whatever my body/mind is telling me to do at the moment. And bascially concentrate on myself because I know I am the one and only person fighting this battle for me. The more good things I do for my mind or my body, the better I will be able to handle that bad days.

Well, there is my rant for the day. I will try to get a picture of myself in my gorgeous new do up before the end of the day. Oh, I had lots of suchi last night after group and it was great!!!!